38 Weeks

How far along? 38 weeks.
How big is baby? Baby is the size of a leek. Baby's length is roughly 19.6 inches (per my app) and weight was estimated at 7 lbs, 3 oz last Thursday.
Total weight gain/loss? 22 lbs UP. 
Maternity clothes? Yes. Clearly!
Sleep? Sleep has been OK. But I am up to pee all. night. It probably doesn't help that I take a swig of water after each bathroom trip. I added another pillow to my nest which brings the total pillow count up to...6. Yes, I sleep surrounded and propped up by 6 pillows every night. 
Best moment this week? Leaving week 37! It seemed like a long one! As one friend put it, I'll never be 37 weeks with this baby again! And...my wonderfully sweet mama, sister, and family threw me a surprise baby shower! It was a lot of fun and so special to celebrate the amazing journey we've been on.
Symptoms? Just feeling a little tired now and then and hungrier the past few days.
Food cravings? Sweet stuff, CARBS. I read something that talked about increasing carbs or "carb loading" in the days leading up to labor. Ya know, to prepare for the big event?! I really feel like that's what my body is leading me towards, because lately I've been really snack-y.
Food aversions? Nope, not really.
Gender? GIRL! Little miss Krosby Mae. (I did have a brief moment the other day where I was like, what if the baby came out a boy?!) Don't think it's going to happen though.
Labor signs? No. A woman in my December babies birth group who is due the day after me just had her water break...tonight! So anytime right? Or 3 MORE WEEKS. My OB said she would evict by 41.
Belly button in or out? Half-in?
Exercise? Some random walks here and there and a couple of easy upper body weight workouts using the exercise ball + some squats. As time ticks on, maybe I'll start taking my stairs up and down.
What I miss? Not a lot. Just anticipating.
What I'm looking forward to? Her BIRTHday! We can't wait to meet this little girl and it's kind of fun not knowing how the whole thing is going to kick off. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving food too; not gonna lie.
Milestones? Arriving at full term! Although I'd read I think that full term has now been moved to 39 weeks instead of 37? I guess if that's the case, I'm right in between. But just knowing she could come at any time and it would probably be OK is awesome.
Movement? She's moving at about the same rate as she always has; she's only zinged me a couple of times.
Bump? Yes! Ryan keeps saying he doesn't see how she can grow any more. Oh contraire!

I can't believe we're really nearing the end. This is the home stretch. We're going to meet our baby girl SOON! 


Maternity Pictures

I can't get over these.


I knew I wanted to have some maternity pictures taken, of our last time as a family of three. Of the miracle that's taking place. Of Karlyn turning five. Of this sweet baby girl inside me and the journey that we've been on to get here. All of us.

Ryan has stood by my side through thick and thin. Through tears, fights, and doubting. Through doctor visits and losses and tests and waiting. Lots and lots of waiting.

Karlyn has prayed for this sister. specifically. We would pray at night, her repeating~

Me: "God, please help me have a baby sister or brother."

Karlyn, "No, just sister."


I didn't know if this day would ever come. And while I'm not holding my rainbow baby yet, each day is bringing us closer. Weeks. We're weeks away.

Thank you God.

***Andrea is my amazingly talented friend, photographer, and because she is so kind and generous, nursery decor consultant. ;> I know she is tired of getting my texts..."What do you think about this?" She was one of the first people I told about this pregnancy. I think the day after I found out? We had lunch at Chipotle and I needed to tell someone! I'm so thankful for her friendship and her stripe-painting skills. Having these pictures to remember this time is priceless. Thank you Andrea!

I also have to say a huge THANK YOU to a sweet, sweet mama who lent me this sparkly maternity dress to wear for my pics. I had ordered one that didn't work out and it was so much fun getting to be a little sparkly for one night and feel beautiful. Plus, our nursery is full of gold accents so it totally works.


36 Weeks

How far along? 36 weeks.
How big is baby? Baby is the size of a honeydew melon. Baby's length is roughly 18.6 inches (per my app) and weighed closed to 6 lbs as of October 28th!
Total weight gain/loss? 21 lbs UP.
Maternity clothes? Yes. My ROSS maternity jeans are carrying me through - seriously. If you need some, check there first. I got one pair with a full panel and one without for $14 each about mid-way through and they are holding up wonderfully! It's been fun throwing in some long-sleeved shirts here recently and I'm determined to not buy anything else. If it gets too cold I'll just wear start wearing a blanket on top of my outfit. :> Oh right. Or a coat.
Sleep? Pretty good. I build my little nest in our over sized living room chair with multiple pillows and usually that works. It helps me sleep at an angle which is super comfy, even though the heartburn has been long gone. I've had a rough few nights here and there. Those can only get better when I have a cute little baby face to wake up to... :-0
Best moment this week? OH, several! Good doctor visits, scratching To-Do's off our pre-baby list, finishing up the nursery (almost done) finding out Ryan WON'T have to be in Minnesota right around my due date, date night, and seeing our maternity pictures. Oh. I also got a pedicure yesterday. L.o.v.e.l.y.

Symptoms? I tire easily. Like wake up, make b-fast, do dishes, need rest. Or take shower. Rest. I can tell she's taking up more room because I have to take a deep breath for air.
Food cravings? Vanilla ice cream, frozen bananas.
Food aversions? Nope, not really.
Gender? GIRL! Little miss Krosby Mae.
Labor signs? No. Not even Braxton Hicks. I didn't have them with Karlyn either, so we shall see.
Belly button in or out? Half-in?
Exercise? I haven't been exercising here lately. BUT - housecleaning = exercise so...yeah. We're gonna go with that. And I need to conserve my energy for L.A.B.O.R.
What I miss? Not a lot. Just anticipating.
What I'm looking forward to? It's November! Whether this baby comes this month or next, we're almost there. I'm looking forward to holding my baby. Cannot wait.
Milestones? I've switched to heparin shots instead of lovenox. Twice a day + filling my own syringes. That took some getting used to. The good news is my OB is letting me stop at 37 weeks and these don't burn like the lovenox did. Only one more week of shots. woo hoo!
Movement? She moves in spurts but of course every day. I love it. I love feeling her move.
Bump? Yes! Ryan and I snuck out for a date night last night and I kept catching glimpses of my belly at DSW while he shopped for shoes. 

Me: "Woah..."

Ryan: "Kati, you're 8 months pregnant."


I'm so thankful we got to escape for just a bit. I wanted us to just get to go eat somewhere AND pick out a special going-home outfit for Krosby. Luckily, Carter's was having a 50% off sale! We didn't get to complete the outfit because I forgot a coupon I wanted to use so once I have the matching HAT, I'll post a pic. I loved that Ryan picked this one out because I really wanted him to be a part. :>

Time is slow dancing the closer we get. But we're really on the home stretch now. Baby girl will be with us SOON! 


Pregnancy {Real Talk} ~ 35 Weeks

I'm 35 weeks pregnant. And while I've enjoyed doing the pregnancy update posts, I figured it was time for some real talk. Like all the 5 million thoughts that are swirling through my head right now as I try to take it all in. And pee for the 37th time.

I have my written and mental to-do lists, much of which is getting checked off. I sleep horribly every third night. I look at Karlyn and can't believe that what we've all been waiting for, for so long is finally about to happen. She's going to be a big sister. And she won't be my only baby.

That's hard to swallow. But I love it! I love her so, SO much. <seriously, I can't even get comfortable to type this>...one more pillow...right...there.

She has been our only one for almost five years now and I wonder how I'll love her sister just as much. How my heart can possibly expand to contain all the feelings I feel for her, x2. What she'll think...if she'll feel jealous. I honestly think she's going to eat it up.

I can't imagine going five more weeks. But in reality, the weeks have been ticking by at a rapid pace. Even being home now and not having to "go into the office" our days are filled with stuff and before you know it, I'm making dinner again and it's time for bed. One more tally mark. One day closer. I had Karlyn at 38.5 weeks. And I know my doctor wants to watch things closely (thus the weekly sonograms) because of the blood thinner shots. I said I didn't want to be induced and hoped I'd go into labor on my own this time. Ask me if I feel that way in a few weeks. I had an issue pop up with Karlyn at 38 weeks that led to us inducing and I have no idea if that will happen again. ouch.

That brings us to labor. I'm getting to the point where you realize, yep. This baby's going to have to come out of me. Somehow, someway, it's going down. And how the heck is that going to be? I read Ina May's Guide to Natural Childbirth. I've been falling asleep listening to some Hypnobabies. I told my mom that I wanted to go without an epidural this time to which she replied that if she could do it eight times, I could do it once! :-) The thing is though, my mom is a lot tougher than I am. Maybe. I don't know. I'm scared. Scared because I think I CAN do it but I might not and...I'm scared to put it out there and then things not go that way. Honestly, I'm just not one to write out this specific birth plan with how I want things to go, down to the letter. There's too many variables. And I had a pretty darn good epidural experience with Karlyn. So we'll see. I have birth affirmations in the notes section of my phone. I remember at one point telling myself that if I ever got the chance to have another baby, I wanted to do it without drugs because there was no way the pain could be worse than the heart-searing pain of losing a baby. Now doesn't that sound good, in theory? What about when I'm at a 6.5 again, feeling panicky...

My emotions have gotten the best of me. I cry during Parenthood episodes now and yell at Ryan for turning off the light when I needed to see. :-0 I can't believe this is really about to happen. I told him the other day, I can't believe we even got pregnant. What in the world. Just like that? And he said it just proved that God was in control.

I wonder how I'll do with two, especially when he goes back to work and I worry about postpartum depression. I had a pretty bad case of it there for a little while with Karlyn and it scares me - although I do feel like I have a few more tools in my belt than I did at that time. (vitamins, supplements, diet) But the lack of sleep is just killer.

What else. I've thrown some things into my hospital bag. We have diapers for a few weeks but no wipes. :> Her nursery is close to done... I've gained about as much weight as I did with Karlyn at this time. I have to pee an extraordinarily crazy amount of times. I want to just hang out with a bag of frozen fruit, some Netflix, and wait for her to get here. Three weeks? Five weeks?

I wonder if she will look like Karlyn and I look at Karlyn and wonder how she is almost five years old. She's gotten so tall and she just LOOKS older. She is my buddy, my joy, and has been my gift all wrapped into our child for these past few years and now that's all about to change. So we snuggle a few extra minutes in the morning and take walks together and I want her to stop growing. She thinks it's super cool that Krosby's car seat is already installed and she kept saying, "I feel so big!" sitting next to it.

I know I am going to miss this pregnant belly. Miss watching it move around and knowing my miracle is inside. There are just a million emotions that are floating around at any given second + tired + hungry + I still need to do x,y,z.

But the truth is, this little girl has a mom, dad and sister who are ever so eager to meet her. Whenever and however she gets here, it's going to be amazing.


34 Weeks

How far along? 34 weeks.
How big is baby? Baby is the size of a muskmelon. Or in normal people words...cantaloupe? Baby's length is roughly 17.7 inches (per my app.) We should get another weight check this coming Wednesday! I'm thinking 5 lbs-ish?
Total weight gain/loss? 20 lbs UP.
Maternity clothes? Yes. Every night though I wear just a normal old tank top or shirt with my pajama pants and my child feels the need to announce that my shirt is too small. Yes, I know. :> It really hasn't cooled off a whole lot yet. And I am just not in the mood to spend money on maternity clothes. So I'm hoping to make do with what I've got! I did pick up a friend's third tri clothes and it's nice just having a different shirt to wear.
Sleep? Last night was rough. After tossing and turning and a SECOND epsom salt bath around 4:00 am, I finally konked out. But the nights before that have been good AND I haven't even been taking the sleep aid. I got kind of scared when the sono tech said she had a friend or sister - somebody - who took something to sleep her third tri and then couldn't sleep without it afterwards. So I stopped. And it's been OK. I sleep in the big comfy chair with...uh...5 pillows total? Lots of getting up to pee, lots of switching sides. I listen to hypnobabies too which will usually put me to sleep. ***How exactly it's supposed to help when it just makes you sleepy I'm not quite sure. But it is relaxing.
Best moment this week? Just hitting 34 weeks. I feel like the only numbers left are big ones! 35, 36, 37...Oh - and my brother-in-law / sister-in-law brought over my diaper bag today! They went in with Ryan's mom to get it for us and I really like it!
Symptoms? Heartburn has been less. And of course I would pay $45 for an SI support belt from the chiro and then have my leg pain all but disappear. Oh well...I may need it towards the end. I get tired easily. I make these big plans and then after just taking a shower, doing my hair and makeup, I'm like, yeah, I need a nap.
Food cravings? Nothing in particular. I've wanted sweets more lately but nothing too crazy. Although - I did decide that ice cream is A-OK. I had a banana split mini-blizzard from DQ that was amazing and then a couple nights later decided ice cream sounded good again. So...at 9:30 I went up to Tom Thumb and was totally that cliche pregnant chick walking through the store with JUST ice cream. I mean, it was 2 for $7! So...yeah. We have meat, frozen fruit and veggies, and two cartons of ice cream in our freezer. Come help yourself.
Food aversions? Nope, not really.
Gender? GIRL! Little miss Krosby Mae.
Labor signs? No. Not even Braxton Hicks. I didn't have them with Karlyn either, so we shall see.
Belly button in or out? Half-in?
Exercise? I pulled Karlyn along on a couple of short neighborhood walks last week (which was so incredibly super sweet and we held hands :>) and then about two weights sessions where I just made up my own thing. That will probably be par for the course from here on out. 
What I miss? Not a lot. Just anticipating.
What I'm looking forward to? Just her getting here! Taking some maternity pictures, continuing to gather things we need and get the house ready. I feel a little stuck in this in-between time. Wondering if it will all come back to me...and do we have everything we need?!
Milestones? This whole thing is one huge milestone. I'm 34 weeks pregnant. Praise God!
Movement? She moves in spurts but of course every day. I love it. I love feeling her move.
Bump? Yes! If you hear me sigh, I'm not irritated with you. I'm just coming up for AIR.

**Oh, and this pic was technically 33.5 weeks. Before my OB appt. Today is big red t-shirt day. :>


Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day

"Guys, I'm not finding a heartbeat today."

My own heart sank. Crushed. Deflated in a moment, ten weeks of hopes and dreams crashing down around me.

I felt numb, unable to move. Frozen in the sonogram chair, thinking, "Oh God, not again."

Even now as I sit here writing this, the memory is crystal clear in my mind.
Even now as I sit here, with my miracle, rainbow baby hiccuping inside me.
Even now after four losses, though the sting has lessened the memory remains.

October 15th is Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. And if you have experienced the loss of a child, you are 1 in 4.

I am in 1 in 4.

The doctor came in and gave me a hug and started talking about testing. It was all a blur. This was our second loss. This was supposed to be OK. This was the pregnancy that went right after the first miscarriage. The one so many women have and then go on to have healthy babies. I walked down to the parking garage and scraped my car against a yellow pole backing out. The marks are still there. I called my dad on the way home and had to tell him that my baby had died.

I pulled into the driveway and called to schedule my D&C. Friends came over, brought dessert. Just sat there with me. I had 36 hours before surgery. I sat in the tub and talked to my baby who was no longer living and told him or her that I was sorry and that I loved them. I walked around, sat on the couch, knowing that there was no longer life inside me. And cried.

*Our first loss was around 6 weeks. Karlyn was 15 months old. We hadn't told anyone, not even our parents. We got to tell them because we needed a babysitter so we could go to the hospital. We had planned to tell some friends that very night. We left the hospital with inconclusive information as to what was happening. But we lost the baby later that night.

*Our second loss was the story I told above. We heard the heartbeat at 8 weeks and at 10 weeks, it was gone. They said the baby had stopped growing about a week before.

*Our third loss was a chemical pregnancy. I got a positive pregnancy test after using fertility drugs and then on Mother's Day, a negative test. It was gone as quick as it came.

*Our fourth loss - the pregnancy never took off correctly. For an agonizing entire week, I sat around receiving beta numbers that just weren't rising correctly. Finally, I got a call while at work that the number had gone down. I was losing this baby too.

Loss changes you. To anticipate that new life, a new addition, a BABY and then have that stripped away, rips your heart out and you're never the same. Pregnancy can never be the same. You'll look at any kids you do have or are yet to have differently - I can assure you that. Miracles. Every child, every person that comes into this world is a miracle. A gift.

But is loss a gift? I became so angry. So doubtful. So many negative thoughts...and...God doesn't think:

I'm good enough

I can handle this

I deserve it

For years I wondered how our story would play out. If Karlyn would be our only one. What I could DO to help our situation. New vitamin, supplement, fertility drug, trying, not trying, this procedure, that test. Was life just going to keep passing us by when we so desperately longed to add to our family?

I know the questions, doubts, and fears that come. And if you too friend have walked this road, my heart goes out to you today, on this day of remembrance. No mother should have to grieve the loss of her child - no matter the age. In the womb or outside. I do believe that our losses can be redeemed and what that redemption looks like is different for everyone.

I learned of specific health issues through testing after my second loss that have enabled me to help others. Ryan and I gained empathy for others walking this road, when before it had never even crossed our minds. I look at my daughter - and soon to be daughters - with awe. And fear, of ever losing them. I worried yesterday that I hadn't felt this baby move enough. Because the fear never leaves.

The memories, pain, sorrow, never leave. They just fade a little. And you're left with a part of your heart reserved for that sweet little face you never got to kiss, that hand you never got to hold, and that child you didn't raise.

Mamas who have lost, I stand with you today holding your hand and hugging you if I could. Our stories may all be different - but they all matter. Know that, always.

You matter. Your babies matter. Their lives matter and they left a mark on this world, though short it may have been.

Will you join me in lighting a candle tonight for the babies we have lost? At 7:00 PM. Let's remember these sweet lives and pay tribute to the women who carried them.


32 Weeks

How far along? 32 weeks.
How big is baby? Baby is the size of a bok choy. Huh? (type of Chinese cabbage) Baby's length is roughly 16.7 inches and at our sono appointment last Thursday, she weighed around 4 lbs, 4 oz!
Total weight gain/loss? 19 lbs UP.
Maternity clothes? Yes, yes. I'm lounging in a long sleeved-t and yoga pants but leaving the house - definitely maternity! I don't feel like spending oodles of money right now for 8 more weeks and one of my friends has so kindly offered up some of her 3rd trimester clothes! I just need to go pick them up. :-)
Sleep? Sleep got rough there for a few days and when I sat my on my bedroom floor crying in the middle of the day, I figured it was time to resort to other measures. There were a couple of back-to-back nights where I just couldn't sleep. I took 2 "simply sleep" pills but felt soooo drugged the next day. So, I've now started taking just one, 25 mg pill around 8:00 pm each night. It's been enough to help me nod off and go back to sleep after waking up to pee a zillion times but not too much where I feel like a zombie. With Karlyn, I took Benedryl the third trimester. I was working 40 hours and my doctor was like, ya gotta sleep! I figured I could do without the allergy part this time though since that's not why I needed it. And...I'm sleeping in the living room. I've tried to start out in our bed but I kept having to move every night so finally I was like, this is dumb. We have a big over sized chair that I can build a little nest from pillows in or I can take to the couch. Who knows where I'll be with the baby! Wherever we can all get the most sleep. ha! #sleepwithababy
Best moment this week? Finding out this sweet girl weighs about 4 lbs! It just sounded like a lot to me and made me really happy that if something unforeseen were to happy, she was already that size. Also feeling her move and jab a lot more yesterday, during church.
Symptoms? Heartburn has been less. But something is up with my leg. I started having this weird pulling pain in my right leg near the top and so, miserable one day, I went to the chiropractor. He adjusted me and said I needed to start stretching and foam rolling because I was really tight. **I confessed that I had been working out but not stretching. :-0 He also let me try on a support belt thing that I may go back and get if it gets worse. Right now I'm just kind of dealing with it - and not doing my stretches. #badmomma
Food cravings? Nothing in particular. I've wanted sweets more lately but nothing too crazy. I remember reading that Jenny McCarthy baked an entire pan of brownies every night during pregnancy? Something like that. I figure as long as we're not to that point, I'm good. :-)
Food aversions? Nope, not really.
Gender? GIRL! Little miss Krosby Mae.
Labor signs? No.
Belly button in or out? Half-in?
Exercise? I've tried to do 21 Day Fix workouts a couple times a week or make up my own thing but I am having to re-think that after last week. I did a couple workouts and was sooo incredibly sore - it just exacerbates the leg pain. Even body weight squats! So...I may try to stick to walking and upper body. We'll see. 
What I miss? Not a lot. Just anticipating.
What I'm looking forward to? Just her getting here! Taking some maternity pictures, continuing to gather things we need and get the house ready.
Milestones? I felt like 30 weeks was a big one and now we're already at 32!
Movement? She's moving and grooving. Feeling stronger, bigger movements lets me know she's growing which is awesome. She hasn't hurt me yet but I did kind of jump a little in church yesterday when it caught me by surprise.
Bump? Yes!