Goings On

happy hump day!

I thought I'd try and write a less mad post than I have been. Because the truth is, now that I've come to terms with this month probably not being the one either, I'm super stoked. I'm beyond ready to get off the extra hormones, have more energy, and GO BACK TO THE GYM. I'm almost giddy. I can smell the weights now...and they're calling my name.

In other news, can we talk about the time change? Does anyone else feel like the days now last 1,000 hours long? At 2:00 PM, I feel like I've been at my desk for days and by 7:30 at night when the sky is as black as it can possibly be, my mind and body are very confused. Should I head to bed? Start a project? I have no idea. I don't remember feeling like this in years past. Maybe I'm just getting old.

I was super happy to have yesterday off and unashamedly spent the day shopping while Karlyn spent time with her Nona. I love being able to shop alone and with the cooler weather coming, knew my Fall wardrobe was a little sparse. I hit up a resale shop called Clothes Mentor first and I was really glad that I did! I ended up getting 3 sweaters and 2 sweater/vest/cardigan type things for $69. Next was DSW where there are far too many shoes to possibly make a decision. I needed lunch to re-fuel and Scotty P's has gluten-free buns. #yum 

Express was next where I picked out a couple things for Ryan (how did women shop for their husbands before camera phones? - he knew exactly what he was getting =) I found a few things there for myself and then rounded out the day at The Children's Place, Old Navy, and Dillards where I had store credit. Every single thing I bought was on sale or clearance! By this point my feet ached and the only cure was Yogurtland. #holidayflavors

My eating needs a serious overhaul. Ever since Halloween I've convinced myself that miniature candy bars are not only necessary but definitely OK. I made this and after trying to tell myself it was "too sweet" - is there such a thing - ended up eating it in mass the next day along with my sister. I may or may not have made a chocolate version too. <<white was better>>

I've been playing with my hair a little - curly, straight, curly. Karlyn has stopped calling it "crazy hair" so maybe it's ok. Some days it works, others I hate it. But it is SO much easier and shaves off a good 15-20 minutes of my getting ready routine. Also healthier with less blow drying and flat-ironing. I want to grow it out again. Shocker.

I both do and do not want to buy the new Taylor Swift album. I'm obsessed with "Blank Space" but I hate "Welcome to New York." I keep hearing different tracks on Pandora and am still debating. I never buy cd's...but as a somewhat recent T. Swift convert, I almost feel compelled.


Not Myself


Pretty much sums up how I feel. Out of body experience. Not myself. So sick of meds.

And I'm not even doing IVF!

I am counting down the days left of taking the progesterone and knowing that I never, ever, ever, ever, EVER have to take it again. (I really want to go ahead and stop now)

Because I can't. I can't do this anymore and feel like this. I just want to feel normal again and not think about babies. The first is doable; the second probably not.

I didn't even want to do this round but I also wanted to be able to look my daughter in the eye and say we tried. I didn't want to have to say, "well mommy didn't want to feel bad on the yucky medicine...so we didn't attempt to give you a sibling." I want her to know that we gave it an honest effort. I know she doesn't know now, but later.

She told me we could buy a baby "at clearance." I wish.


Losing It

You know what's fun? Feeling out-of-your-mind-cranky crazy and not knowing if it's because you'll be told soon that you are "with child" OR simply because you're on extra progesterone and hcg (yes, the lovely pregnancy hormone) is already coursing through your body due to two different shots. That's fun.

Random thoughts:

*Why are people driving SO slow?

*Why do none of the stores carry a size 10 girls shoe?

*Why am I being so picky about size 10 girls shoes? Just buy some already.

*What is so hard about logging onto a website? "It says I don't exist." Possible replies:

  • Well then you really must not exist.
  • Are you typing it in EXACTLY as I instructed you to?

*Why does Amazon make you spend $35.00 on eligible products before you get free shipping? I spend half the darned day trying to find something to make up the difference just to have my original selection mailed to me free of charge. And so I can get my add-on items.

*Why does progesterone give me the most whacked out dreams all night long so that I wake up feeling exhausted and go through my day in a fog watching the clock? (Example of said fog: even though my car was headed in the right direction, I literally could not remember where The Children's Place store was located.)

*Why are you sending out a group text? #letmeout

*Why does this chic-fil-a taste better than it ever has before? And why didn't I order a medium fry?

I apologize if you have to deal with me today or over the next week. I wouldn't want to.

One more week. One more week. One more week.



What to say. Today has been a bit of a come to Jesus day. Don't we all need those? Sometimes it just feels good to sit down and pray. Shamefully, I don't do that much anymore. A lot of times I'm too afraid to actually voice my prayers out loud. Or I'm too angry. Or too...busy. I had this thought earlier:

"Perhaps the greatest sign that we are His (Christ), and that He won't let us go, is the firm but loving hand of correction."

I'm so thankful for a God who convicts and corrects and who loves me too much to let me stay in a place I don't need to be. Even though it hurts, I can know it's for my good. I can even know that there was purpose in it and a lesson learned. I can see just how fragile and weak my flesh is and that there truly is no good thing in me apart from Christ. That is the glaring truth.

A friend posted this:

It's so easy to get stuck in the past. Past hurts that need forgiveness. Past decisions that led where you hadn't expected. Past decisions that became painful habits that need a change. When you see someone with joy in life, don't assume it's always been easy for that person. That they don't have a past to face. Because they do. We all do. I do as well. At first, I stayed in the past and experienced years of self hatred and self harming. But then I chose to move forward instead of looking back. Joy awaits. The past doesn't have to be pretty. For you can still make life beautiful. 

Except I'm not counting on me to make the whole beautiful. I can't do that as much as I might want to. I can only take hold of the one who offers me His hand on a daily basis and watch Him make it beautiful in His time.

This sums it up as well~

"I think we let ourselves dwell on the past because we know what happens there. It's comfortable. And when you're in a time of change and things aren't as clear, you hurry back to familiar scenes and faces. It's easier to think about your past than it is to face a future that's unknown...It's your choice if you will remain stuck in the comfort of regret and memories, or if you will trust God's light to bring you safely to shore."

In a time of change when things aren't clear. Not clear. That's exactly how the past few years have felt. NOT CLEAR. And I find myself whipped around looking for something to cling to. That person should be Jesus but I haven't let it be. Because a lot of times it hurts too much (and I have too much pride) to say yes, I will spend time with you and I will seek you and I will let you comfort my hurting heart.

Aren't you the one causing this? Allowing this? Why would I run to you?

That is what my flesh screams at me to feel and think.

We are in the middle of our last round of fertility treatments for a while. Maybe ever. I am hopeful but guarded and scared of what's next if it doesn't work. I've told myself I can at least go back to the gym if we don't get pregnant this time. Is that silly? It may sound like it but I'm trying to give myself something to look forward to if the result is negative. Do workouts compare with a pregnancy? No. But it's something I enjoy and have given up for a time. It almost causes a panic attack if I think about it long enough. My throat starts to close up and the thought that it won't work starts to paralyze me. I hate the meds and how I feel on them. How cranky and tired I become and the passing days that have me calculating, guessing. I'm trying to be more chill this month though and am not taking my temperatures or testing out the trigger shot.

I'll close with this from Proverbs 31 Ministries~

"Friend, that hard thing you are facing right now? Remember, you are strong. You are persevering, tough, able to bend without breaking, willing to be humbled to the point of humiliation, not blinded, a hunter for wisdom, a praying-through-it woman, a courageous gal, one who wants to learn the deep dependence of following hard after God Himself.

Let me reach through these fragile, typed out letters and take your hand. And stand with you. From that cracked-open-heart place, a God-breathed strength will rise. Rise. Rise. And help you spit in Satan's face as you declare, You picked the wrong woman to mess with this time!"


The Plan

So today I was supposed to have a blood pregnancy test.

We did our first round this month using an hcg trigger shot and progesterone but skipped the Clomid. My RE's office schedules a pregnancy test for all their patients on what they consider an appropriate day. I didn't want to take it though because I knew I wasn't pregnant. I've been pregnant four times now and NOT pregnant a whole bunch of other times. I knew.

Anyways, did I mention that I really like my RE? I do. He's a cool guy and is supposed to be one of the best doctors in Dallas. I asked him if we could just skip the test and talk about next month instead. We discussed options, halfway through which he said, "Whatever makes you happy. I want to keep you happy." Smart man.

Sooo. The plan is to try Letrozole (Femara) this next time around. He likes it better than Clomid and I trust him. I really did fine with the Clomid back in April so I'm curious to see how I do on this one. We'll also do the hcg trigger again and of course lovely progesterone. I hate that stuff! It gives me the most whacked out dreams...all...night...long. And makes me super drowsy. Before I can start the Letrozole though they have to 100% confirm no pregnancy so I ended up getting stuck. Plus a sono to check for cysts. In the clear there.

I thought I was going to be pretty bummed about today's appointment but I actually left hopeful and with a plan.

Yay! More hormones! :-0 I wish we would have just gone ahead and done the Letrozole this first month too but oh well. I've stopped doing the acupuncture for now because doctor visits and injections start to get pretty pricey. I miss it for sure but have decided to go this route for now. I guess in the end I'm just trading one needle for another right?

Yeah. So if you see me in the near future crying, stuffing my face, or falling asleep at my desk, let's just blame it on the meds OK?


A Day of Remembrance

Today was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I read story after story today of babies lost to online mom friends. Tears filled my eyes. Some of the things they've endured are just unthinkable. I also remember my own three angels I carried for such short times. 6 weeks, 9 weeks, and just about 48 hours.

It doesn't matter if you've lost one baby or six. Whether you carried that baby for one day or to term. If you knew you were pregnant or not. That little life finds it way into your heart within a flash and you are forever changed. Loss does change you, there's no denying that. And while I wish that no one had to go through what we've been through and worse, there is some comfort in knowing you are not alone. In knowing you have someone to talk to, someone who understands. Who "gets it." That's invaluable. I'm grateful for those people God has placed in my life. And for those of you who haven't suffered loss but still find a way to reach out. Thank you too. Thank you for making me laugh, smile, and think about anything else even for a few moments. Thank you for writing blogs I love to read. For mailing letters and cards. For continuing to be a friend. For not insisting that I get over it already and move on.

I am so beyond grateful for this little girl. She is my bright sunny spot on a dark dreary day. She is my hope and gift and come to find out, miracle. I may shed tears almost daily over babies lost and hoped for but I will never lose sight of the amazing person that she is. If we are never given another child, we are still parents. We have still been called to raise Karlyn to become all that God intends. And that is a blessing.

If you've lost a child, my heart goes out to you. You are a strong woman and one who will always look at babies, pregnancy, motherhood just a little bit differently. If you've lost a child, you are part of a large, large band of women who know what you're going through. My hope and prayer is that God continues to lead us forward, whatever that looks like, pressing on and becoming the women and mothers we were meant to be.



Just Life

We are really into picking out our own clothes these days. And accessorizing. This girl loves anything that twirls...skirt, dress, tutu. The shoes just top it off. #kidtokidforthewin

I seriously love her. Last night we had this conversation:

"Karlyn, I would be sad if I didn't have you."

"I know. If I'm ever not here, it's because I'm at a sleepover. Or a date."

"A date?!"

"I mean a play date, not a regular date. I was just kidding."


Yesterday I took a half-day off work and went and saw a movie. I got to pick my spot since I was the only one in the theater and then ponder whether this made me really cool or super lame. Luckily, two more people joined me but I still had the top middle to myself. If you don't have issues with where you sit in a movie theater I'm not sure we can be friends.

Anyways, I saw The Good Lie. And balled. like. a. baby. I really, really need someone else to go see this and tell me whether you cry or not. It doesn't have to be full on tears, just at least get a little misty-eyed and I'll feel better. I really thought it was going to be a happier flick but it was so good none the less. And maybe it was just the day, but for the first time really ever, I thought about adoption. In a positive way. Like in a, "hey, maybe we could adopt" kind of way.

I've been seeing my RE more lately. (reproductive endocrinologist) And we've kind of bonded. I definitely like him more than I did after our first consultation. We talk about jeans, and the purse I totally snagged on clearance, and he gives me extra hormones. It's fun. <hence the crying> So...yeah. I don't know. I don't know what's up ahead.

Sometimes I feel like I should apologize. Apologize for being mad a lot, for crying too much. For not being as involved as I should be. For not knowing what the heck I'm doing with my life. For thinking too much about it. For not having this amazing deep-rooted faith that says God's got this and I'm not worried about it. For not passing this test the way I should be. For being me.

But. I keep on. And on days when it gets too hard, I eat popcorn and Reese's for lunch and cry in a dark theater. Temporary cure but a good one.