Graduation

Friday night Karlyn and I met Ryan to eat and then go to my brother Kaleb's high school graduation. We tried out Five Guy's hamburgers and I have to say I wasn't impressed. :-/ We have a little place near our house called Burger Island that we like a lot better!

We headed over to the church where the ceremony was being held and I guess I should have known how it would go with a two year old. First we had to leave the worship center because someone needed to use the bathroom, five minutes after we'd just been there and she'd said no, she didn't need to. So we trudged out there and then got stuck back inside against the wall because all the graduates were making their way one-by-one down the aisle to the stage. We couldn't go to our seats yet because people were snapping pics so I had to contain Karlyn, in heels for what seemed like forever. Fun!

We finally got back up there but the little one was not going to be quiet. After the opening song everyone clapped and she said, "it's over?" No hun, just two more hours. During the prayer, she kept talking so Ryan finally took her out to the foyer/lobby/huge open space? They even went outside for a while because in her daddy's words, she was being a wild child. I felt so bad for them out there the whole time and eventually she even fell asleep. The ceremony was really nice <and long> and I enjoyed the speech that the school's headmaster gave. Two things he said that I liked in particular ~

"God cannot offer you hope and peace apart from Himself. Because it is not there." (I think he was quoting someone else...)

"Often when you think you're at the end of something, you're at the beginning of something else."

Luckily Kaleb was somewhat near the front once they started handing out diplomas; after he walked across the stage I kind of zoned out and perhaps got on Facebook a little. :> Finally, it was over and we got to meet Ryan and Karlyn outside, visit with Kaleb, and snap a few pics.

I got kind of sad driving home and going to bed that night, just thinking about how fast Kaleb has grown up, along with all of my siblings. Wasn't it just yesterday that they were running around in diapers and standing on the open dishwasher door?? I'm so proud of each one of them. Kaleb is heading to West Point this Fall which is so cool! I can't wait to see where the Lord leads him over the next few years. I'm glad we got to be there and celebrate this special night with him.

Wordless{ish} Wednesday: Allergies

I've never really considered myself a person that deals with allergies but it seems like at least once a year I am majorly affected. I guess today is the lucky day! Whatever is in the air has turned me into a sneezing, red nosed, itchy eyed girl. I just took a Benedryl so we'll see if that helps. The only time I've been outside is walking to and from my car!

TV Time

This happened tonight.

I let Karlyn watch some of her "shows" while I was cooking dinner. I just kept making different things so it took a while. She ate, and then I decided we needed to shut off the TV for a while. I told her to get some books, puzzles, or play with her toys while I cleaned up. She played with the Swiffer Mop and a paper towel for a while and then, markers! That's her new thing...so I suggested it. I got her all set up only to look down after a few minutes and see her free-styling black marker all across my kitchen floor...

"Karlyn! No!!"

Luckily, a wet washcloth took it right off and no permanent damage was done. I then in a defeated voice said: 

"OK, let's go watch your show."

:-0

It's just so much easier sometimes to let her watch TV because I know she's still and contained and quiet. BUT, it's gotten to be too much and I know I need to start setting limits. We do things together too but I also have to get stuff done around the house that she can't necessarily help with yet. I just need to get creative and be more firm about less TV. She really does love it. Caillou, Backyardigans, Team Umizoomi.

I really wish at times she had a sibling to play with but since that hasn't happened yet, it is what it is! Any other moms struggle with TV time? I think it's just a pattern we've fallen into.

May 6th, part II

I should have known today was going to be rough when I dropped multiple egg shells into my breakfast and then forgot my lunch for work.

It kinda went downhill from there. 

I think I'm done crying though. That was a looong one. Obviously needed. I feel silly sometimes writing about it or posting on facebook but I don't have anyone here to talk to right now and it at least gets it out of my system so it doesn't eat me alive. A counselor would probably be good but I don't like paying for one when most of the time, I feel like I'm doing OK.

I am going tonight though to meet with a small group of women who have also gone through loss. I've never done anything like that before so hopefully it will help.

I just get really mad and sad and then repeat. I feel stuck in a way. A part of me wants to move on, forget it, just stop (whatever that means), or give away all of Karlyn's baby clothes I've been saving so I don't have them to remind me of that hope or possibility. It's like this instinct comes into play where you think, "I want to make sure this never, ever happens again and that I never have to feel this pain again." 

But the only thing is, you can't. Because having a baby is the only thing you want. And you'll never stop hoping or trying because it's sewn so deep into your heart that you couldn't tear it out if you tried. I ask myself, did God give me these desires only to keep ripping them away? Is something good supposed to come from all this? On a good day, my answer is yes. There is a plan.

Today I just cry though and get mad and hope I wake up tomorrow on the other side.

One year, Two babies

Today is May 6th. Exactly one year since we had our first miscarriage.

Today is also two months since we experienced our second loss.

You can read both stories here ~

Losing baby #1

Losing baby #2

Our pastor preached a really great sermon yesterday, as he does every week. A couple of his points stood out to me, in light of today.

"When you find yourself in deep water and your world is collapsing, ask yourself: Am I surrendered to the Lord? Am I chained to the chariot? If so, I can say:"

-Wherever I am, the Lord led me here.

-If He led me into it, He has already conquered it.

What an amazing truth. God has mapped out our lives and He's gone before us. He wrote down the days of our lives before even one came to pass. None of this past year has caught Him off guard or surprised Him. 

I can truthfully say that I am not the same person I was one year ago. I hope I am stronger and yet so much more aware of my dependence on Him for everything than ever before. I know we will see our babies again in Heaven one day. And that is simply mind-blowing. Ryan and I have greater compassion for others who have gone through this type of loss. We realize what a miracle all life is and what a blessing we have in Karlyn. We have hope for the future. We serve a mighty God and who on earth can know His plan or calculate His ways? They are too high, too grand. Tears come to my eyes now but I know that joy comes in the morning. 

I love country music and there are some amazing new songs out right now. This one from Carrie Underwood really stopped me in my tracks the other day and I knew I wanted to find the lyrics. You can listen here ~

See you Again

Said goodbye, turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone
Faded into the setting sun,
Slipped away
But I won't cry
Cause I know I'll never be lonely
For you are the stars to me,
You are the light I follow

I will see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again

I can hear those echoes in the wind at night
Calling me back in time
Back to you
In a place far away
Where the water meets the sky
The thought of it makes me smile
You are my tomorrow

Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking
But I stay strong and I hold on cause I know
I will see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, yeah yeah

I will see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again
Till I see you again,
Till I see you again,
Said goodbye turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone.

Big Day!

I'm so proud of my brother Keith! He left about eight weeks ago and headed to San Antonio for basic training, after deciding to leave school and enroll in the Air Force. This weekend is his graduation so my parents, and one brother and sister booked a hotel for a few days to see him. They were texting me pictures today and even though I wasn't able to be there, I still felt a part of it and got to talk to him on my drive home.

 

 

He has thirteen weeks of tech training and then he'll be shipped out somewhere; we're not sure where yet. I just know God has big plans for him and a very bright future ahead!

Love you Keith!

Wordless{ish} Wednesday: Little Mama

Because sometimes you just have to take off your pants and iron them.