9/19/14

10 Lessons from a #sickday

...hashtag style


1. You can and should look forward to your 40's. Jennifer Aniston said so on the Today show. #itjustkeepsgettingbetter

2. Blue Gatorade is your go-to beverage. It's the only thing that will sound remotely good for 24 hours. #chugchug #thankyoumotherinlaw

3. Gilmore Girls is just as good as it ever was. Watch two episodes for optimal benefit. #Rory #Lorelai #StarsHollow

4. Find the comfiest chair to sit in for your sick day. Gather and assemble a various assortment of pillows and a heating pad. #youllneeditlater

5. Should you ever find yourself awakened in a hospital to Channing Tatum telling you you're married <to each other> just roll with it. Do not make the guy beg and do NOT go home to live with your parents. #TheVow

6. Doze off a couple of times throughout the day. You need your rest. And it will help pass the time. #zzzzzzzzzz

7. Your back is going to start hurting from slouching all day/not moving. Use the heating pad. #onlow

8. Don't browse Instagram. All the paleo/gluten-free foodie pics will only make you feel more nauseous. #yum

9. By the end of the day, you will loathe watching television, though at first it seemed like quite the dream. You will long to do anything else but your body will demand that you stay put. Rearrange the pillows and #obey.

10. Your fever will break. You'll take a much needed shower. Life will go on. But stock up on blue Gatorade because you now prefer it to water. #naturalandartificialflavor #blue1

9/17/14

Half Tea - Half Yuck



When I was pregnant with Karlyn I made a little habit of ordering a half tea - half lemonade at Chic-fil-a. I'd take a quick car nap, order a drink, and be good to go for the afternoon. Today that sounded good (no I'm not pregnant.) I don't know what the girl put in my cup though because the only thing it tasted like was watered down tea with the tiniest hint of lemon. Blech. I drank it anyways. I almost went back in and asked her to re-make it but if you've been to our Chic-fil-a you know the craziness that exists at lunchtime. I'll have to try again soon because that is NOT how I remember them tasting.

Karlyn and I are headed to a new doctor tomorrow - a geneticist. After I was told I had the MTHFR mutation, I knew I would eventually want to get her tested. We now know that both of my parents have one mutation and at least one of my siblings does too. After everything I've gone through health-wise, I can't help but want to be proactive when it comes to my daughter. If she doesn't have it, great! If she does, and we get her started on folate and other supplements early, all the better. It would also clue me in on things to watch for as she gets older, that I experienced. She won't actually be tested tomorrow; we have to go through an evaluation first. Part of that meant I got to fill out a genetic medical family history form that looked like some kind of scary college exam. 



"If you are the parent, write your name here and circle it. Write the initials of all relatives along with a dash and the corresponding number from above to designate the specific health issue." I think I had to read it five times before I got started. I'm hoping the doctor is nice and that our visit goes well. I found it interesting on the opening cover page of our forms that he also sees adults for reproductive/fertility issues. I might just have a few questions of my own!

I'm hoping to post something fun soon...uh, if you consider natural body care fun. With a possible giveaway. Stay tuned...  :-)


9/15/14

#monday


Today has pretty much sucked. And that's the edited version.

I decided to be respectable though and not post my sentiments to Facebook or Twitter.

I don't even know where to start, without sounding like a broken record.

My brain is on a constant loop. Always.

Job. Goals. Babies.

Job. Goals. Babies.

Repeat.

I feel like they're all fighting against each other in one way or another. That pursuing one is costing me the other. That ending that pursuit leaves me lifeless.

I should stick with the acupuncture and really give it a chance to work. 

Well, a lot of people have to use it in conjunction with fertility treatments. 

What if the monitored cycle doesn't work?

What if it does?

How the heck are we supposed to know when and what to do?

Seriously. Every single person is pregnant right now. Including Kate Middleton and my hairdresser.

I've taken a big break from the gym and I miss that too. I think I lost of a lot of the progress I'd made. But it's hard for me to reconcile barbell squats and baby making. There are varying opinions on exercise and trying to conceive so...yeah. Not sure what to do there either. Doing light workouts is just kind of foreign to me and feels weird. Even though I have enjoyed some walking and yoga lately.

I really want to pick a nutrition certification and get started there but I keep pushing that into 2015.

On top of all of it, I feel like I lost a really good friend. And that hurts.

#monday

9/10/14

Acupuncture



I had my fourth acupuncture appointment today and I am really, really enjoying it! This all came about when I sat across from my chiropractor a month ago. He asked me, "So how's the pregnancy thing going?"

"It's not."

I love my chiropractor and the fact that he genuinely cares about his patients. He asked if he could refer me to an acupuncturist who has a track record of helping women get pregnant within 4-6 months. Sure! Why not? What haven't I tried at this point...

So I called the office that afternoon and left a message. The next morning Dr. T. himself called me and was so nice and asked some background questions. We set up an appointment for that afternoon. I had had acupuncture once before several years back so I wasn't going in completely blind. Dr. T. is also a chiropractor and though my insurance doesn't cover the needles, they do cover adjustments so...we get to bill it under chiropractic and I get both services for about the same price as acupuncture alone. Score!

I cried that first appointment. He told me, "our bodies are designed to heal." That may not seem like a huge statement but to someone who has dealt with secondary infertility (a new term I was just introduced to) it meant the world. My body is designed to heal. It's not designed to be broken, out of balance, or infertile. He said, "You know what? God has a plan. It's a good one. And he LOVES YOU more than you love your own kiddo." *More tears* Sometimes just someone speaking life into you like that is so great.

Each treatment room has some kind of little waterfall machine and soft music playing so it's super ZEN and relaxing. I almost fell asleep last week because they were busy and I got to lay there longer. I joked that maybe the needles actually do nothing and it's a tactic to get Type-A, over-worrisome people to lay still for 15 minutes and just be. I really do love it though. I get adjusted first and then the needles. They really don't hurt - promise! You feel a slight pinch going in but then you shouldn't feel it at all. In fact one time I could feel a couple of them so they re-positioned them and it was fine. Depending on why you're getting acupuncture, needles will be placed at different points. I'm not an expert at Chinese Medicine but you can read a little bit more here.

I cried again today. Just a little but I do that I guess. Dr. T was asking questions, inserting needles, and telling me that I shouldn't be mad at myself for any of this and I shouldn't be mad at anyone else. He said,

"Do you like yourself?"

I think I said..."er...uh...some of the time." Tears. Because this is hard. And has been really hard. And there are SO MANY thoughts that go through my crazy head. Thoughts like,

I'm not a good enough mother. I'm not capable of handling more kids and that's why He won't give us more. My body is broken. I'm never going to have another baby. God's forgotten.

I'm not going to achieve anything because I'm just stuck here and this is all it's ever going to be. 

"You should like yourself, " he said. He spoke positive affirmations about WHY I should like myself and told me not to listen to the voices in my head. He handed me a kleenex and told me it was OK to cry. Then I had to keep wiping my eyes and one of the needles fell out. ha.

I told him I was little bit discouraged even though this was our first month and he said we were only getting started. So. I really do love going. Bummer though, because now I only get to go every other week. I'm hopeful and encouraged. I'm taking my BBT (basal body temperature) every morning because we want to see that stabilize and normalize a bit and see progesterone stay high.

Those are my thoughts on acupuncture! Have you ever tried it? Would you?


8/30/14

Life Lately {in pictures}

Karlyn and I made a Play-Doh snake family, complete with house and grass.

Daddy did his first ponytail. Not bad!

I killed it at "Minute-to-Win-It" work games

Our little cheerleader had her first pep rally. 

I think she was mostly happy it was over.

Kar and I shopped for baby girl stuff to give to her teacher, Miss Holly!

I got addicted to these. Darn you Costco jumbo-sized bags.

I got all Dr. Mom and healed my kiddo's ear with homemade garlic oil drops. BAM.

Spaghetti Squash Pizza Pie was a hit. For everyone but dad and daughter. I don't care. It was good.

The queen came for supper. #loveher

I started ACUPUNCTURE!

7/17/14

Ramblings on NPC Prep

The longer I go between posts, the harder it is to start writing. I've been a little preoccupied with training for an upcoming NPC bikini competition. Basically going to work, going to the gym, coming home and cooking/prepping food for the week. Reading articles. I even went to two different posing help sessions. And I think I've made a decision. I AM going to compete. That is my goal. But it's not going to be on September 13th like I'd originally planned. There is a slight chance I could decide to compete the week before that, on September 6th but I think my gut is telling me to pick a show further out. (I know that doesn't make much sense but that weekend just won't work for me - read into that as you will!) Before I started this process, I tried to get feedback from people in the industry that I respected. More than one person suggested that I take the time to gain more weight/muscle first before I do this. Someone else told me I might be 8-10 weeks out. So I got different opinions. I ordered a suit and some heels! Eek. Competing is not cheap, as I mentioned before and if I'm going to shell out the money that show day requires, I want to feel ready. Really ready. I want to feel like I could actually compete up there which is kind of the point. Even though - YES - it's me vs. me in that this sport is about bettering yourself and learning/growing through the process, not just winning a trophy or medal, or beating someone else. It's about lifting more than you could the week before and proving to yourself that you're stronger than you think you are. It's a lot of mental + a heck of a lot of physical.


I'm learning just how much food it takes to support regular intense lifting sessions AND to grow. A lot. I've learned that I can count calories for only so long before I need a break. I hate counting calories or macros which is why I've never done it before...which is why over and over I've had a goal to grow but haven't seen it happen. (side note: My Fitness Pal rocks for this! Makes it easy to log.) But I'm still anti-measuring for the most part...something I have to get over and just do. I don't think counting/logging is a forever thing - gosh no - but when you have a goal it can be quite eye-opening and at the least for a few days can give you some insight. I'm learning you have to be consistent in the gym and pick a heavier weight. Do more reps. Do an extra set. And then eat. More. Repeat. I've gotten really excited about seeing some results but when I stack myself up, see just how far I have to go.


I know everyone starts somewhere and I have to remind myself that I HAVE made progress. I'm stronger than I was five weeks ago and stronger than I was in January. Back at the beginning of the year, I signed up for two months to work with an online personal coach. I've gained five pounds since then which for me is a lot! I wasn't working out at the time (January) and my appetite was definitely lower due to that. I want to put on more weight / more muscle. I want to practice walking in my heels and learning the poses until it comes naturally. (Soooo much harder than it looks) If that means competing in December or later next Spring, so be it. But at least I'll know I've put in my time.

That's all I got. =)

6/19/14

Catching Up

Hey there. I'm still alive over here...just haven't been blogging.

So I'll try to catch up! Let's see...

We did have our appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. And then I cried afterwards. It was fine I guess and I'm glad that my OB's office warned me that he would be blunt and straightforward. Because he was. No hug around the neck, everything will be OK, let's get you pregnant pep talk. We sat around a table and he wrote down the most common causes of miscarriage, crossing off the things we had already looked into or tested for. We got to the bottom of the page and he wrote,

"I don't know."

Apparently "I don't know" is the point that we are getting to in this journey. He wrote out a timeline of what we would do next. Basically one last little test and then another medicated cycle. This time with more monitoring and some steroids and injections to help keep my body from attacking the baby in the early, early stages. Because that may be what's happening. He said a lot of times this works. But if we do all this and still miscarry, we could think about in vitro. That really threw me for a loop because I didn't think in vitro would even be in the cards for us. Not that it will be, but just the mention of it. I don't know.

Our visit was short - about thirty minutes long and as we stood in the parking lot afterwards I cried. Then the doctor almost ran us over trying to leave. I'm probably exaggerating but in that moment I decided that's what was happening. I'm sure in reality he was headed to another appointment because he operates out of several clinics. After that Ryan headed back to work and I numbed my emotions with In-N-Out and Yogurtland. Yep.

Ryan couldn't understand why I was less than enthused about the whole thing but I started thinking, I think he was probably more OK with it because they're both men. The doctor laid things out in a very non-emotional this is what we'll do kind of way and isn't that what guys do? Try to fix our problems. Anyways.

Remember when I talked about wanting to compete? Well I started working out, gathering info, found a friend to do it with me, and then I started not doing so great. I wasn't sleeping and whenever that happens, other things start to go downhill fast. I decided it wasn't worth wrecking my health over when it seemed my body was screaming HECK NO to my attempts. I called my friend and we both said, yeah, maybe not. Then I went to Target yesterday...and thought ya know...I still kind of want to do it.

Must have been the dressing room lighting and a slight back muscle making an appearance - or something like that - but I left and hit the gym for an hour of legs. I did back today. I told myself that I needed to decide by this weekend. This Saturday is 12 weeks out from the show I would do. And even though registration is not open yet, about now is when I'd need to start tightening things down and dieting somewhat. Not to lose weight...but to eat with a plan. I did get a meal plan from a semi-coach/competitor so I at least have a guideline to go by. I'm still haven't decided 100% and am giving myself another 4 weeks to do so. In the meantime, I'm going to act like I am doing it. My sleep has gotten a lot better and my body stopped freaking out on me. It does that occasionally. :-0 So I will definitely be keeping an eye on that.

I go back and forth. I'm like, yeah. I can do this. Sure I don't think I'll place and clearly I don't have years of muscle under my belt but I could do it. Other times I look in the mirror and think ha! You're kidding right?

12 weeks. 84 days. That's enough time to see improvements though right? And if nothing else, I can say I did it. For the experience. For the rush I get every time I finish lifting weights. Because I really do love it.


I really don't know how I feel about doing another medicated cycle. This time with MORE MEDICATION. And injections. How fun. It's just not something I'm super excited about right now or really looking forward to. But that could change. I've been a little all over the place lately and I think honestly - I've been this way after each of our losses. A little bit lost, a little bit bored, a little bit of wanting something different. Some where do I go from here and a whole lot of I don't know how much more I can handle.

I want to cut my hair. I want to sell all the baby stuff. But I can't do that because I sit in the middle of the room going through it all with tears running down my face. I want to take on challenges. But I doubt myself. I want to make a difference but I have a strong fear that my life is being wasted.

I hate getting into ruts (although ironically I love consistency) and at times I feel like the last two years has been one long rut. I can't tell you how many times I've said, "God I'm done. I'm done with this." What the heck does that even mean? God's not going anywhere and as much as I think I might like to escape it all, I continue to sit right in the middle of it. Not moving, it seems. Stuck. I want to get un-stuck. I'm just not sure what that looks like.